Once a priest had to go to the bathroom really bad. In the old
times the toilets were nothing but deep holes dug in the ground.
The priest squatted down to use the toilet and slipped.
He would've fallen in and drowned in the pit but he used his
arms to keep him from falling the rest of the way. He decided to
pray to God to help him out of the situation because he didn't
have enough strength to get out himself...so, he put his hands
together and prayed....
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a desert. The redhead brings a water bottle. the others said "Why did you bring that? in case I get thirsty." The brunette brings food. The others ask,"Why did you bring that? in case I get hungrey." Now, the blonde brought a car door. They asked "Why did you bring that?" The blonde replied" so if I get hot I can role down the window."
Knock KnockWho's there?Isaac!Isaac who?Isaac coming out?
Q: What do the L.A.P.D. and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A: Neither could catch a Bronco!
Why are Englishmen better lovers than Frenchmen? They can stay on top for 89 minutes and still loose!
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking.
Here speeching American.
Van dos sacerdotes caminando por la calle y en sentido contrario viene una bella mujer que se est� pudriendo de lo buenota que est�. De pronto sopla el viento, le levanta la falda y se le ven unos carnosos muslos y una cadera suculenta.
"Padre, �usted no es sensible a estas situaciones?" dice uno de los sacerdotes.
"�Hermano, si la sotana fuera de hierro usted hubiese quedado sordo del campanazo!"
En un bar hay un borracho que llora y llora como un beb�... Un buen hombre se le acerca y trata de charlar con �l para consolarlo:
"�Qu� le pasa buen hombre, por qu� est� tan angustiado?"
"Es que hace un par de horas le vend� mi esposa a un tipo por una botella de whisky..."
"Comprendo, debe ser terrible, ahora que ella no est� viene el arrepentimiento y la querr�a volver a tener a su lado."
"�Totalmente correcto, as� es, sin ninguna duda, as� es!"
"Y ahora que se fue se da cuenta de lo mucho que la amaba, y..."
"�No, no, no! Desear�a volver a tenerla porque ya me hace falta otra botella."
A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."
The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"
The young lady replies, "Oooh doctor, that feels lovely... but the discharge is from my ear!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
The Washington Post published a contest for readers
in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings
for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks
you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
There was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters. One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.
"Hi!" said the young man standing there. "My name's Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. we're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" "Yes, I'll go and get her" said the farmer.
About 10 minutes later there's another knock. "Hi, my name's Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" So the farmer goes and fetches her.
Another 10 minutes go by, and there's a 3rd knock. "Hi, my name's Tucker..." And before he can say another word, the farmer grabs him by the neck, drags him out the back, and shoots him.
A doctor called up a fellow and said, "Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently."
The guy says, "Yes, that's right. Is there anything wrong?"
"Well," the doctor replies, "here's the thing. There's another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s."
"Oh, my God," the man said, "what will I do, doc?"
"Well, I've been giving this some thought," said the doctor, "and here's what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.
"Then what?" says the distraught man.
"Well...if she finds her way home, whatever you do, Don't have sex with her!"
A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!
In Paris, there's a 70-year-old "Lady of the Night" listed in the Yellow Pages.
In fact, She's the oldest trick in the book!
Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?A: The knocking gets faster.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
After sitting down, ordering, and chit chatting the priest says, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?"
He then realizes the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approaches and is trying to flirt with the priest.
The priest is dumbfounded, and doesn't know what to do.
The rabbi leans over and whispers something in the man's ear.
The man walks off.
The priest says "Thanks, but what did you tell him?"
The rabbi replies "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. 3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. 6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. 8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry. 9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species. 10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex. 11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding. 12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. 13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit. 15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating in your head.
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked."
Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"
Q. Why did the 1st koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because the first koala knocked it out on his way down.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told
him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first
thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a
namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone
by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a
breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last
name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that
straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, ''Vietnam, 1969.'' The other points his thumb behind him and says, ''Dog crap, 20 feet back.''
There once was a man who lost his arms in a car accident. One
day he won a million dollar lottery. After a moment of thought,
he rushed to the hospital and asked their top surgeon whether he
could get his arms back for a million dollars.
"Wow," the doctor replied, "I just invented a completely voice
activated mechanical arm, but I can only give you one though."
So he showed him some of the stuff the arm could do and the man
was amazed and bought the arm.
The next day he went to the pub with his friends to show off his
new advanced arm. As they sat together he told the arm to pick
up his pint of beer and give him a sip. The arm did it perfectly
and the friends were amazed.
After a few pints the man went for a piss. He told the arm to
take his penis out and away he pissed. Then he tells the arm to,
"give it a little shake." The arm does and the man enjoyed it,
and so he looks around to make sure no one is looking and tells
the arm to give it another little shake.
He gets a boner and once again turns around to make sure
nobody's watching and then tells the arm, "Jerk it off!" The arm
pulls off his penis and the man screams out, in pain, "Fuck Me!"
So the arm then shoves his penis up his ass. The man even more
shocked at this stage shouts out, "Holy shit, would you look at
that." The arm pulls his penis out of his ass and shoves it
right into one of his eyeballs!
10. After taking money, asks if you want a receipt.
9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles.
8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some Chapstick7.
When he's done he says, "That was fun, now you mug me".
6. You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the station house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles.
5. When you yell "stop thief". . . he does.
4. During police line-up he waves to you and shouts "remember me".
3. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if Sienfeld hadn't been cancelled.
2. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla".
1. Accepts IOU's...and phone cards.
When large numbers of men are unable to find work,
unemployment results.
- Calvin Coolidge
A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," said the bartender.
"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.
WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?Doctor: Sell!
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
You're a redneck if.... You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them
a gourmet item.
15> Although he never bet on the Reds, he did sometimes bet while *on* reds.
14> Actually earned the nickname "Charlie Hustle" while working the streets in Times Square.
13> Was once married to Britney Spears for 18 hours.
12> Enjoys sipping tea while listening to the comforting sounds of Zamfir.
11> Secretly believes the Fab Five on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" are gay.
10> Rose is really his middle name.
9> Before returning to his "Moe," once tried a "Larry" hairstyle during spring training 1987.
8> During games, he'd pick his nose and wipe it on his uniform. The location of the booger told his bookie how to place his bet.
7> It was all an undercover operation to allow Pete to infiltrate secret Al-Qaeda sports-betting cells.
6> Stated that he never bet on the Reds to lose, but often bet on them not to win.
5> Once lost $100,000 in a beard-growing contest -- to Marge Schott.
4> Lost a bundle betting Michael Jackson would stop after nose #3.
3> To increase his base-running speed, he replaced his humerus, ulna and radius bones with cork.
2> Once slid head-first into a Sizzler salad bar.
1> Faked an injury once so he could smuggle a gift box of chocolates into X-Ray to see which had coconut and which were caramel cremes.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his math.
His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement.
His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to try the Catholic school system but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not religious.
They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record. They reluctantly enrolled their son in the Catholic school. Immediately the boy's math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to become an A student.
His parents were surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement. "Was it better teaching" they asked and the boy said "No the teachers are about the same". "Was it a different text book?" Again the boy said "No it is the same text book"
Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.
The boy said "the first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences."
Their parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously.
The boy answered "the first thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy nailed to a plus sign."
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains.
They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.
He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered.
The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?
They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter.
The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied."I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!""No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?""I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked, breathlessly. "Who is this man?""I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry. 'No fancy stuff, Doctor,' he ordered, 'No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.' 'I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,' said the dentist admiringly. 'Now, which tooth is it?' Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. 'Show him, honey.'
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
instryct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it, gave her the basics and sent
her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 ft., she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 ft., she radioed again, saying how easy it was learning to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 ft., and was beginning to worry
that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile
away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened she said, "I don't know! Everything was going
fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember
anyting after I turned off the big fan."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money."Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998
13 "Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported."
12 "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."
11 "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."
10 "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."
9 "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"
8 "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message..."
7 "This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater."
6 "Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken."
5 "It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'"
4 "Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion."
3 "Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo..."
2 "As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store."
and Top5's Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in 1998...
1 "Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday."
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
yo mama so stupid she threw a rock a the ground and miss
your momma is so fat that when you told her that she had donut powder on her chin you had to say no mom the third one.
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, ''T-G-I-F'' (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, ''S-H-I-T'' (letters only).'' She looked at him, puzzled, and said, ''T-G-I-F'' again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, ''S-H-I-T.'' The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly ''T-G-I-F'' another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, ''S-H-I-T.'' The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, ''T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'' The man answered, ''Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.''
Good thing for women I'm not God, because I would probably have taken that rib from Adam and had me a nice little Garden of Eden barbecue instead.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008.
You know why I think she's running?
I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.
-Jay Leno
The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad and decided to marry her.
Blessing the fact that she was not only a virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to break her in right, and had her suck him off a number of times.
The next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost immediately. "Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children, and now I just know I never shall."
"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.
"Because," she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow that dreadful stuff!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."
"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.
"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."
"THAT'S when I hit him!"
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey
on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the
back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his
unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts
everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
Person 1: Knock,Knock Person 2: Who's there? Person 1: Cows go. Person 2: Cows go who? Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!
Have you heard where many senior citizens are opting to spend their second or even third honeymoons?
Viagra Falls.
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
Why do tugboats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Enlightenment Quiz
1. Yin and .........
A) Yout
B) Tonic
C) Yenta
D) Yang
2. A Zen koan is ........>
A) A Jewish Buddhist
B) All of the above
C) None of the above
D) None of the above
3. Just before total God-realization I would see.......>
A) A blue pearl
B) Nothing
C) Everything
D) How would I know?
4. Lao-Tsu is.......
A) Shrimp with fried rice
B) The Atman Brothers
C) A Japanese word for sneeze
D) Someone you should know about
5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become.......
A) Jivatmanatman
B) The Atman Brothers
C) Jivatman & Atman Inc.
D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman
6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is:-
A) Oneness
B) Twoness
C) Penpalness
D) Just good friends
7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?>
A) Jehova
B) Elohim
C) Yahweh
D) Charlton Heston
8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get.......
A) A Swogi
B) A Salami
C) Yogurt
D) Heartburn
9) Carlos Castaneda is:
A) A flamenco dancer
B) A resort near San Juan
C) A mystery
D) The guitarist for Santana
10) Om Mani Padme Om means:-
A) O Manny, pardon my home
B) Money talks, nobody walks in
C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb
D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry
11) The sound of one hand clapping is:
A) Very quiet
B) Similar to smiling with one lip
C) A Zen record shop
D) Like the "p" in swimming
12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to:
A) Eenie meenie
B) Halloweenie
C) Harry Houdini
D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)
13) The Tao Te Ching is:
A) The new premier of China
B) A new record by Cheech and Chong
C) I Ching's older brother
D) A fine Chinese restaurant in New York
14) You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means:
A) "Have a good time"
B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs"
C) "I just completed EST training"
D) Nothing anyone would understand
15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?
16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?
17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?
True-False
_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring.
_______Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays.
_______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.
_______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.
Score
0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!
6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.
10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.
15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.
20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness
[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL test.....]
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspecdor asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes".
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them. First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker." The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine. Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges. Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."
Una secretaria llega a la oficina con un impresionante abrigo de vis�n.
Asombrada, su compa�era le pregunta que de d�nde lo ha sacado.
"Pues mira, ayer el jefe me invit� a cenar; despu�s me llev� a su casa; abri� un gran armario lleno de maravillosos abrigos y me dijo: 'escoge el que quieras', y yo escog� �ste".
"Ya, bueno, pero �t� le habr�s tenido que hacer algo! �no?"
"Bueno s�, la verdad es que he tenido que sacarle el bajo porque me quedaba un poco corto..."
A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".
The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.
A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.
"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.
His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that?
He didn't do anything to deserve that."
The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on
autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be
capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no
sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead
man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of
them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck
my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index.
Fuck is such a versatile word...
Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck...?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.
The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:
Where the fuck is all that water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic
That's not a fucking real gun.
-John Lennon
Who's going to fucking know?
-President Nixon
Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein
What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima
It fucking does "so" look like her.
-Picasso
How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras
You want "what" on the fucking ceiling?
-Michelangelo
Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney
Scattered showers my fucking ass!
-Noah
Pick up the fuckin' phone!
-E.T.
Fuck Logic!
-Spock
I can't breathe in this fucking thing!
-Darth Vader
Fuck I'm hungry!
-Ghandi!
Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try!
-Yoda
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.""Fine, but where should I go first?""I'll leave that up to you.""Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first."So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter."Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?""That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
1. Tell the widow you're sure you saw him move.
2. Go to the funeral dressed as the deceased, and call the widow
a fraud.
3. Bring a dog to the funeral and have him play dead.
4. Sign the deceased's name in the guest register.
5. Ask the widow to pose for a picture with her arm around the
coffin, and then stall for a long time, pretending you can't get
the camera to work, finally giving up because the batteries are
dead.
6. Bring a shovel to the church.
7. Ask the widow if you think it would do any good to shake him.
8. Put waxed lips on the body.
9. Ask the widow how long she's been sure he's dead.
10. Tell the widow alot of his favorite TV shows were cancelled
anyway.
11. Put a bumper sticker on the hearse that says "I'd rather be
breathing."
12. Ask the widow how long it will be before she starts dating.
13. Tell the deceased's mother that you never expected them to
go in this order.
14. Put a parking ticket on the coffin.
15. Clam on the body.
16. Ask the widow if she's going to ride to the cemetery with
the body.
17. Hide behind the casket and talk to the mourners as they
kneel in front of the body.
18. Send the widow a singing telegram from the deceased.
19. Tell the younger children at the funeral that it is
appropriate to sign the coffin.
20. Ask the widow if you can take a finger.
21. Tell the widow in a loud stage whisper, "I'll bet this is
costing you a pretty penny."
22. Ask the deceased's mother what she was doing when she got
the news.
23. Tell the widow that the body doesn't look comfortable.
24. Ask the widow if she's aware of any job openings.
25. Comment often on the similarity between John F. Kennedy and
the deceased.
26. Tell the widow you think he'd look better on his side.
27. Tell the widow you suspect foul play.
28. Keep trying to French kiss the widow.
29. Entertain the guests with a hand-puppet replica of the
deceased.
30. Put a lit cigarette in the deceased's mouth.
31. Put a pair of shoes under the coffin.
32. Wear a "Grateful Dead" t-shirt to the wake.
33. Read this list to the mourners.
34. Put a check to the deceased's favorite charity in the coffin.
35. Sing "Tea For One" at the church.
How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she cannot find her pencil!!!
Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"
As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.
They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"
The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"
He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.
Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"
The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma...
But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!"
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery."How long will he be on crutches?" she asked."Crutches???" the doctor asked."Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green.
The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "green side up".
The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored.
The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down "green side up".
The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house.
In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window "green side up".
When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled "green side up" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different.
He laughed and replied I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.Your screen door has no screen.
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I
help you, sir?"
The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."
Yo mama's so fat
- Yo Mama's so fat, she couldn't fit in a satellite photo.
- Yo Mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose
- Yo Mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes
- Yo Mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: "Free Willy! free Willy!"
- Yo Mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code
- Yo Mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
- Yo Mama's so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance.
- Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck.
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her.
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
- Yo Mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn" sign.
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "One at a time, please."
- Yo Mama's so fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas.
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and yell "Taxi!"
- Yo Mama's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
- Yo Mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
- Yo Mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
- Yo Mama's so fat, when she tripped on 10th St., she landed on 22nd St..
- Yo Mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
- Yo Mama's so fat, if she was a superhero, she would be "incredible bulk."
- Yo Mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall.
- Yo Mama's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
- Yo Mama's so fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles
- Yo Mama's so fat, I guess we know what's eating Gilbert Grape.
- Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
- Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
- Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.
- Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale, and it said "GET THE HELL OFF!!"
- Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds
- Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on my cat's tail, now I call him "Beaver".
- Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
- Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb.
- Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
- Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
- Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
- Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice, and got lost.
- Yo mama's so fat, instead of wearing Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levis 1002's.
- Yo mama's so fat, she's got more rolls than a bakery.
- Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world.
- Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.
- Yo mama's so fat, that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
- Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her.
- Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her, I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in.
- Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time.
- Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.
- Yo mama's so fat, she bumps into people when she's sitting down.
- Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop.
- Yo Mama's so fat, her butt has it's own congressmen.
- Yo Mama's so fat, she needs a boomerang to wear a belt.
The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room."What's wrong Tracey ?" she asked.Tracey told her that she had "morning sickness". Surprised the neighbour said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant.""I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings."
One day a little girl walked into the bathroom,she went to the
4th stall.In this 4th stall she saw things about her with her
name on it.Than she saw the dummy who wrote it.The next day when
a teacher was in the bathroom the girl came in.The girl
said"What the hell do you think your doing in here you
bitch!"than te teacher came out and the girl turned red and was
suspended.By the way she was a blonde!
A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside.
Then his wife.
Then the dog.
Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.
So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"
The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."
Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter."I have to make pee pee", wailed the little boy."All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom." "No" insisted Johnny, "I want Grandma." "Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly." "Nuh-uh. Her hands shake."
In every single sex scandal that there is, in any court case that is, you
always have to promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth. One of them obviously has to be lying, so what's the point?
20> "Underpants?!? We don't need no stinking underpants!"
19> "She's all that and a bag of underpants."
18> "No... more... wire... underpants... EVER!!!"
17> "Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THOSE UNDERPANTS!"
16> "How now, brown underpants?"
15> "I want the underpants!" "You can't handle the underpants!!"
14> "Wazzzzunderpants?"
13> "I love the smell of underpants in the morning. They smell like... victory."
12> "I ate his underpants with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. [*ppth-ppth-ppth*]"
11> "Underpants are melting in the rain, and the sweet green icing's flowing down."
10> "Pop quiz, hotshot: There's underpants on a bus. Once the underpants goes 50 miles an hour, the underpants is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?!?"
9> "I did not have sexual relations with those underpants."
8> "Underpants... [clink clink clink] Come out and play... Oh, underpants... [clink clink clink] Come out and play..."
7> "Elvis has left the underpants."
6> "The first rule of underpants is: Do not talk about underpants."
5> "Open the underpants, please, HAL."
4> "They melt in your mouth, not in your underpants!"
3> "I'm 'underpants'? Whadda ya mean, 'underpants'? 'Underpants' how? How am I 'underpants'? You mean 'underpants,' like clown underpants? Like I'm here to make you laugh? Like I'm here to amuse you?"
2> "We're going to need bigger underpants."
1> "...'cause you are the wind beneath my underpants."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
A traveller saw a very old man that was also seemingly very
happy. The traveller asked the old man, "You're so old, what's
your secret to staying so happy?"
The man replied, "Well, I smoke 6 packs a day as well as smoke a
pipe. I stay up till 5am every night partying and drinking until
I barf. And I'm on lots of drugs and medication."
"So how old ar you?"
The man replied, "25."
Three wise men were outside the stable and they say lets be quiet cos theres a baby inside. The first wise man walks in and steps on a rake and he says Jesus Christ and Mary says What a lovely name we were gonna call him Albert
Q. Why has Kevin keegan banned his players from owning dogs?
A. Because they can't hang onto a lead.
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
A nasty rainy morning. Husband wakes up, gathers his stuff and goes hunting.
He walks to the street, the rain becomes unbearable so he decides to return,
opens the door and dives back into the bed. Wife, half asleep:
- Hi. Can you imagine, my moron went out hunting!
If God made software ...
... It would always work, and work perfectly every time.
... It would have every feature a user REALLY needed.
... The software would never expire or go out of date.
... It would come with automatic back-up and rescue utilities.
... It would recommend votive candles for installation, training, and
support.
... Upgrades could be installed with a little extra effort on the user's
part, but would come with built-in support.
... Help would be available 24 x 7 at no charge.
... Support calls would never have busy signals or voice menus.
... Support for the product would never be discontinued.
... It wouldn't be junk.
... It would be compliant for all millenia.
... Help for one application would work for all other applications.
... Games would teach us important life lessons, too.
... It would be immune to viruses (and XXX web sites).
... It would work on every hardware platform and every user configuration.
... The software would work particularly well when the hardware was
failing.
... You wouldn't need any kind of special peripheral device or internet
connection.
... You should always have enough memory to run it.
... A monopoly would be a good thing.
LONDON (AP) -- Saucy? The British? Yes, and keeping well abreast of the latest science, judging by a new exhibition of -- er -- underwear at London's Design Museum. Here, the nation famed for its reserve has raised its hem, offering a peep at sheepskin corsets, barely-there cashmere vests and a glow-in-the-dark bra.Should all the titillation prove too much, there's also a bra that detects a racing heartbeat and a pair of panties that protects against radiation. ``This exhibit is a compelling statement about British design -- but it's also quite saucy,'' said Dame Helena Kennedy, a leading lawyer and chairwoman of the British Council, which launched the show Wednesday.``The perception of British people as being strait-laced is no longer real,'' Kennedy said. To prove it, the displays are almost as provocative as the garments. Vivienne Westwood's blue sheepskin corset and ditzy, star-patterned mini-crinoline and Alexander McQueen's pink satin corset crusted with black Swarovski crystal are suspended inside giant inflatable women's legs in transparent plastic. Vacuum-packed thongs and Clements Ribeiro's red silk chiffon panties with polka dots hang from pegs on a washline. Near the entrance, a mannequin sprawls seductively on her back, a vision in pink fishnet stockings and the briefest green teddy and panties by the aptly named Agent Provocateur.And everywhere there are bras to make even 1950s ``sweater girl'' Lana Turner envious -- from Gossard's new padded Ultrabra Super Boost in patriotic red-white-and-blue, to Stella McCartney's tassels and gray beads, to Agent Provocateur's sliced-away style in sheer black net.For the traditionally minded, there are the more substantial constructions of Rigby and Peller (they put the foundation in foundation garments), suppliers of spine-stiffening unmentionables to the royal family since the 1960s. Owner June Kenton, personal bra fitter to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and Queen Mother Elizabeth, believes 80 percent of all women are wearing the wrong size bra ``and have two drawers-full of bras that they don't wear.''Rigby and Peller's offerings contrast with the futuristic Techno Bra, made of conductive textile with silicon gel inserts that contain electronic devices to detect heartbeat changes. A British industrial design company is developing the piece for the commercial market and designer Kirsty Falconer hopes it may one day incorporate a personal alarm that will sound if the wearer is attacked. Constructed in a dun-colored conductive nylon and silver fabric, the anti-radiation panties are no thing of beauty. But if, as their makers claim, they drain electricity from the body -- thereby protecting it from magnetic radiation -- can you afford to be without them? The exhibition runs through July 2, then tours Japan and Australia.
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
Why did the Italians lose the war?
Because they ordered ziti instead of shells.
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two
sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty
well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such
that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday,
they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with
some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find
Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they
missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back
to campus.
Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and
relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day
at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told
them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple
about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they
thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and
then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what
they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) Which tire?
Everyday I give thanks to God, I have two mounds upon my bod. I shave my legs, sit down to pee, I can justify any shopping spree. Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon, Can get a massage, without a hard-on. Can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas, Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass. My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long, At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong. I don't drive in circles at any cost, And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost. Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon, Every time I have to go to the john. I don't brag about the size of my "cup", Hey, put the seat down, 'cause I won't leave it up! I never forget an important date, You just gotta deal, I'm usually late. I don't watch movies with lots of gore, Don't need instant replay to remember the score. I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch. And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a bitch. I don't wear the same underwear everyday, The food in my fridge has no sign of decay. Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart, Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art. Don't say to your friends, "Oh yeah, I can get her", In your dreams, my dear, I can do better! Flowers are okay, but jewelry's best, Would you look at my face, not at my chest! I don't have a problem expressing my feelings, I know when you're lying, you look at the ceiling. Don't call me a girl, a babe or a chick, I am a WOMAN, get it, you prick? Let me tell all you men, Listen to me boys, Those things in your pants, That you treat as toys You love them more then we ever will We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill. I know all you men Think that you're "IT", But compared to a woman, You just ain't SHIT!
Tres se�oras est�n charlando y tomando caf�. Una de ellas comenta:
"Mi hijo es sacerdote y cuando alguien va a la iglesia le dicen: �Ay, padre!"
Otra de las se�oras no se queda callada y afirma:
"Ah, s�, pues mi hijo es uno de los seleccionados para ser Papa y cuando lo ven le dicen: �Ay, se�or!"
La tercer mujer no resiste, se para y les presume a las otras dos:
"�Ah, s�, pues mi hijo hace strip-tease y cuando lo ven le gritan: �Ay, Dios m�o!"
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number
of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of
a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3."Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
A man named Jim was trying to have a yard sale and he was cleaning the front yard but he couldn't find the rake so he motioned to his wife who was upstairs about to get into the shower. He calls out 'Where is the rake?' She says 'What!' so he points to his eye (I) hits his knee (need) then he makes raking motions she replies by pointing at her eye then grabbing her left breast then she slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He immediately runs into his house up the stairs and before he can open his mouth his wife says 'eye left tit behind the bush'.
Q: How many East Carolina University students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes six years!!
Un tipo se sube al tren nocturno que va a la ciudad de Chill�n, en Chile. Antes de iniciar el viaje se dirige al conductor y le solicita que lo despierte en dicha estaci�n, advirti�ndole, eso s�, que despu�s de dormir se pon�a bastante porfiado y seguramente se iba a oponer a que lo bajaran, pero que contaban con su autorizaci�n para ponerse en�rgicos y obligarlo a descender.
Cuando ya se hubo retirado el conductor, el viajero se percat� que a su lado se hab�a sentado una se�ora con dos ni�os, lo que le impedir�a dormir, as� que se cambi� de asiento. Pasaron las horas y ya de ma�ana constata que se encontraba en Puerto Montt, una ciudad distante casi 200 kil�metros de Chill�n. Indignado, se dirige al conductor y le espeta:
"�Imb�cil, no te dije que me despertaras en Chill�n! ��No recuerdas que te dije que era porfiado y que ten�as que despertarme en esa ciudad?!"
"�Qu� vas a ser porfiado t�! �El que bajamos en Chill�n... Ese s� que era porfiado!", responde conductor.
When Mike got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Mike said, "Claudia Schiffer's breasts."
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.No one looks good in a yalmulke.Wasps leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.20% off is a bargain; 50% off is a mitzvah.Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.And what's so wrong with dry turkey?If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.Always whisper the names of diseases.One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.If you don't eat, it will kill me.Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.Never take a front-row seat at a bris.Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended (only for NYorkers)Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?Before you read the menu, read the prices.There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens around age 45 (65 if he is Italian).According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.No meal is complete without leftovers.If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive. He got an Instructor and started lessons. The Instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The Instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The red neck understood and was ready.
The time came for the redneck to jump from the plane. The instuctor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane, and after being in the air for a few seconds he pulled the rip cord.
The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, while franticly trying to get his parachute open, dropped like a brick right past the redneck.
The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his own parachute, "So you wanna race, huh?"
What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
A little fucker about so tall.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Una comisi�n de mujeres trataba de llegar a un acuerdo acerca de qu� es lo mejor para lograr la plenitud sexual. Las opiniones estaban divididas del siguiente modo:
Siempre pod�s elegir entre un consolador y un hombre, pero �ste �ltimo te da las siguientes ventajas:
1. Si no lleg�s al orgasmo tendr�s a quien echarle la culpa.
2. �l se encarga de pagar la noche de diversi�n.
3. Te hace regalos para conseguir una pr�xima vez.
Aunque hay que reconocer que el consolador tambi�n tiene sus ventajas:
1. No te dice cosas que no te cre�s ni de lejos, para lograr meterse dentro de ti.
2. No le ten�s que decir 'estuvo muy bueno', justo cuando te estabas por echar el cuarto.
3. Una vez que lo usaste no te despierta con los ronquidos.
4. Es 'diet': endulza pero no engorda.
La comisi�n se expidi� definitivamente en favor del segundo elemento, aunque por cuestiones econ�micas, conviene tener las dos posibilidades a mano.
"What do you want to be when you grow up little Johnny?"
"A doctor?"
"And why is that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tarzan!
Tarzan who?
Tarzan stripes forever!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Teachers!
Teachers who?
Teachers for the red white and blue. Hip hip..!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Teheran!
Teheran who?
Teheran up the road!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tennessee!
Tennessee who?
Tennessee is played at Wimbledon!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tennis!
Tennis who?
Tennis five plus five!
A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation:pearly-gates:~/peter> grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/statusThe computer responded:212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty pearly-gates:~/peter>Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a minivan to hell would be arriving shortly.Cindy began to protest "but what did I do wrong? I loved my fellow neighbor as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person! Surely there must be a mistake!"So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold that she truly was a kind, warm, gentle person...until he saw the entry for jan 7, 1992-earth, which read:***DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69*** Posted irrelevant article to newsgroup.After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman "It seems that on January 7, 1992 you posted an article to Alt.religion.computers. This article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward Microsoft, and not even a comment on the proper definition of 'hacker'! In fact, the article was not even relating to computers at all, and discussed, of all things, human religion! There wasn't even a reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen, or the Tao of programming. Oh dear, this is terrible.""You see, heaven is a perfect place, and we only have room for the most perfect people. Ever since we ran the T-3 line up from New Jersey we've been particularly harsh on breakers of netettiquite. Didn't you read RFC-23654? The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?"He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files. After a few moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper. It read:11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammar.12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages to 19 random groups.14: Thou shalt not request post a frequently asked question.15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading a week's worth of posts, thereby avoiding irrelevant articles.When she was done, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter stopped her, saying "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. To register a complaint, you'll have to send mail to status-change-request@godvax.heaven.com. We have a group of cherubim who manage such requests. But don't send it to status-change@godvax. heaven.com, otherwise your request will be distribute to the whole mailing list. They *hate* that! In fact, there's some discussion about making that the 16th commandment..."At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop. Satan, in the form of an IBM salesperson, stepped out. "Welcome!", she said. "We've been waiting for you..." Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped into the minivan and was wisked away to the netherworld, a world of COBOL, System 36's, punch cards, incompatible network standards, and irresponsible news posters. Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled. "You'll like it here", she said, "We have netnews, but we've greatly simplified it. We have only one group, it's alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!"
House Sex- When you first get married and you have sex in every room.Bedroom Sex-After you been married a while,you only have sex in the bedroom.Hall Sex-After you been married a long time,you pass each other in the hallway and say fuck you!
what do you get if you cross a labradore and a rockviler? a dog that scares the shit out of you then runs away with the toilet role
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Evolution can only produce different shapes of light bulbs; it can never change it into an animal.
Picture yourself near a stream.Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called ''the world.''The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.The water is clear.You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.There...feeling better now?
20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller.
19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?"
18. Proclaim your undying love.
17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.
16. "So, what are you wearing?"
15. Constantly refer to caller as "Pumpkin".
14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.
13. "You've got to be kidding."
12. "What you do is get yourself 50 cents and go and buy a clue."
11. Use baby talk.
10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you."
9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system.
8. "Yo no hablo ingles."
7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.
6. Laugh maniacally.
5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.
4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed."
3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.
2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.
1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student
nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in
one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a
close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely ......
Are - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b
a c k?
old mcdonlald has a roster the roster travels to canada and lays an egg so wich side does it belong to?
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column (according with the original sender)
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP. We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love,
Billy.
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love,
Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked too.
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love,
Billy.
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love,
Billy.
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed,
William.
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards,
William.
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely,
William.
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE ...CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.
Thank you very much.
Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent
16. She thinks Jack London is a character on General Hospital.
15. Has legally changed her name to "Slutty Spice."
14. Won't stop talking about the time he bit Holyfield's ear.
13. Wants to buy the novel of the Mr. Bean movie.
12. The two of you constantly argue about which "Homer" came first.
11. Giggles uncontrollably whenever you bring up "Moby Dick."
10. Thinks "Elements of Style" was written by Elsa Klensch.
9. The last time he completed a sentence, he was at Attica.
8. "You gots no condom, you gets no party", was your last clue.
7. "Of *course* I've read Walden. And it only took me 10 minutes to find him!"
6. Ask her to conjugate a verb and she starts talking and belching at the same time.
5. Doesn't have a lot of free weekends due to busy schedule as NASCAR commentator.
4. Thinks "Beowolf" is a show starring David Hasselhoff.
3. Her favorite poem deals with a man from Nantucket.
2. When you ask him if he has any Grey Poupon, he says, "Hey, don't be gross!"
1. You: "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?"
Her: "Dude! That would be, like, totally bitchin'!"
What's the redneck definition of real disappointment?
Just when you get the rocks piled up, the cow walks off.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
These three engineers are discussing who designed the human body. The
first one says "It must have been an electrical engineer, because of all
the complex nerve endings and circuits". The second one says "It must have
been a mechanical engineer, because of the perfect movement of the joints.
The third guy sits and thinks for a minute before finally replying "No.
You're both wrong. It was a civil engineer. Who else would put a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Why did the Volunteers pick orange for their team color?So they can play football on Saturday, go derr hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on the side of the road for the rest of the week!!!
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "What's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "When I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Harry starts his new job at the zoo and he is given three tasks, the first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. Harry starts on this when suddenly a bloody great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death. Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the fish to the lions.
Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clearout the monkey house. Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps start throwing shit at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is shitting himself, so what does he do? he feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.
Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and asks 'what's the food like here?' the other lion responds, "Absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees!"
