Estos eran dos ratones que

Estos eran dos ratones que andaban por la carretera, en eso pasa un tr�iler y el chofer tira un cigarro de marihuana, entonces le dice un rat�n al otro, "Mira vamos a darle una fumadita", y el otro rat�n le contesta, "No, yo no le hago a eso" "Bueno, �pues yo s� le fumo!" Y que se pone bien loco. Despu�s de dos toques, el m�ndigo rat�n se cre�a Superm�n. En eso ven�a otro tr�iler por la carretera y dice el rat�n que fum� al otro:

"Vas a ver c�mo te paro ese tr�iler con una mano".

Y le dice el otro: "No chingues, no seas g�ey; te van a aplastar".

"�Vas a ver!, le contesta el otro, y diciendo y haciendo, se pone en medio de la calle con una mano haciendo alto y con la otra en la cintura.

En eso, que se le poncha una llanta al tr�iler y por buena suerte que se para en la mera mano del rat�n.

Cuando se para el tr�iler, se baja el chofer y dice: �Me lleva la madre! Voy a tener que sacar el gato.

Y dice el rat�n:

"Ni me amenaces g�ey. �Que te volteo el pinche tr�iler!"

Elephant joke

Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?

Because if it were small, white, and smooth it would be an asprin.

Hearing problem?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Pictures from police

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.A $40 speeding ticket was included.Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

A Tallahassee area mortician had

A Tallahassee area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the
embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was
lying on the table.

Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss,
he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement
there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and
immediately heard, the Florida State Chop song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the
cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to
come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the naivet of his assistant, he said OK and followed him
downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I
couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please
you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked
to the table and removed the cork. Then the Florida State Chop song
started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to
his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that. I've heard
thousands of assholes sing that song."

Conquests

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

Bush vs. Osama

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog." GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

The Exam

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer.

Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room.

This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class. Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all.

He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty ... almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.

"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited)

It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.

"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"

"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"

"NO", snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

Salman Rushdie plans to release

Salman Rushdie plans to release another book soon.
It's tentatively titled, "Buddah, You Fat Slob".

buried in sand

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

S & M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says, "It's ok, we get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast, "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that!!"

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Mount Olympus Party

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two- faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

Hellen Keller

Have you ever seen Hellen Kellers house?

Neither has she.

The Hospital Visit

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, �Hey Tim, what're you in for?� �I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried,� said Tim. �Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!��Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. �That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?� �I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,� Sammy answered.�Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!�

A young engineering student started working...

A young engineering student started working at a factory as vacation
training. The foreman was a little busy so he handed the student a
broom and asked him to sweep the floor.

The student began to protest, indicating he was after all, an
engineering student. 'Oh sorry" said the foreman, "this is how you do
it......"

Lower My Sex Drive

An old man walks into a health clinic and tells doctor, "You
have got to do something to lower my sex drive."

The doctor takes one look at the feeble old man and says, "Now,
now, sir, I have got the feeling that your sex drive is all in
your head."

"That's what I mean doc," the old man says, "I have got to lower
it a little."

Knock KnockWho's there?Medellin!Medellin who?Medellin where

Knock KnockWho's there?Medellin!Medellin who?Medellin where you don't belong!

NFL Kicker

You know why Monica Lewinsky would make a great NFL Kicker?

Because, she doesn't choke on the long, hard ones!

Missionary soup

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water. They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!

He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup!"

How Specs Live Forever

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.113. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.

Desert Island

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They
rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says,
"I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island."

Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what
happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!"
She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally,
the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island."

She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Un grupo de monjas estaba

Un grupo de monjas estaba en el patio de la iglesia pele�ndose, a gritos, por subirse a una bicicleta:

��Yo, yo, sigo yo!�

��No, no, sigo yo!�

��Qu� no, que sigo yo!�

En eso, llega la madre superiora y les advierte:

�Si se siguen peleando, le pongo el asiento a la bicicleta".

How all careers end

How careers end... Mathematicians are discounted. Tree surgeons disembark. Vegas dealers are discarded.

Polish Girl Does Tradein

Did you hear about the Polish girl who tried to trade her menstrual cycle in on a Honda?

"Pap�, tengo dos noticias que

"Pap�, tengo dos noticias que darte: una buena y otra mala, �cu�l quieres saber primero?"

"La buena, por supuesto".

"�La buena noticia es que dej� las drogas!"

"�Me alegra mucho, hijo! �Y cu�l es la mala?"

"Que no se d�nde las dej�..."

My own room

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place. "It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."

What I'm Called?

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and polished it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. Carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eighteen days I worked. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great- Bar-builder? Nooo..."Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board, hands blistered and swollen by the salt. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "Ya screw one little goat . . . "

Only One Sale?

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?".

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

Knock KnockWho's there?Kentucky!Kentucky who?Kentucky too

Knock KnockWho's there?Kentucky!Kentucky who?Kentucky too well, have a sore throat!

Ants

how many ants are in an ant hill? how can you ANTSER that? ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!

At the construction job

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor. One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens: "Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

The woman on the bus.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

Senate Slander

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced."OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

The College Food Chain

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Talks with God.
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if a special request is honored.
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Treads water.
Talks to animals.
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually.
Rides the rails.
Plays Russian Roulette.
Walks on thin ice.
Prays a lot.
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls.
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo".
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself THE DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the track.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
She IS God.

Q: How many SAS

Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!